Each cannonball floats in
Your bathwater
Each trailing orange-brown
Sparks
and leaves me
gasping and grasping to clutch your climax
because “I love you” never gets old.
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140,593 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
very sexy, I like it a lot. Not too short, at all. You said enough, and said it well.
ok, i noticed that first stanza was acrostic after a couple of times (and after reading the comments
) but i doubt that the fact one stanza is acrostic and the other isn't is going to bother many people. it didn't affect me, in fact, i enjoyed it more that way. i loved the imagery in here, and the last line was great.
oh, don't bold the acrostic letter things..hah. it would look too much like your trying to drag attention to it (which you are, i know). but...well, it's more fun to figure it out on your own. it makes more sense that way, anyway. =]
length. Just a little tiny bit longer. I enjoy short poems, there's sometimes a stronger impact. The acrostic I didn't pick up on but its' late and I'm dumb, sorry I have no suggestions on making that more evident. I felt the last stanza was so raw and powerful but I was confused how I got from the first stanza to the last. Not to disagree with the first, there's just missing information to give you that killer ending. Hope that helps
I thought it just didn't say enough. The first stanza was sorta clever, I picked up on the acrostic aspect (only after a third read). Basically, the last line was too sudden. There was no build-up. It didn;'t seem like there was a smooth enough transition in the second stanza between the first two lines and the last. I think you could of developed your poem a little longer. Otherwise, I thought it was okay. Keep writing (poems)!
I did that so that people might notice that the first stanza is acrostic and the second one isn't, maybe I should make the first letters of the first stanza bold instead?
I thought this was so, so, so pretty. I really liked it. The only thing that annoyed me (and I don't know if it was on purpose or not) was the way the first verse you have capitals and the next verse there are none....it kind of breaks the poem up and makes it flow less well...but really that is only a small thing. Lovely poem.